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Posts Tagged ‘rigorous honesty’

It’s Okay to Be Honest about a Relapse

16 Mar

Who believes that once someone comes into A.A. and attends meetings that they are now honest?  Yet newcomers are often encouraged to take everyone’s word for it.  There are many members of 12 Step programs who have not confessed to relapse, for various reasons.  I have known about a few of them over the years who keep claiming continuous clean and sober time even when there is no doubt they have relapsed—maybe more than once.  There are many others who continue in A.A. as a sober alcoholic, keep their sobriety date although it is widely know that they relapsed on illicit drugs.  Other 12-step groups have members who have various clean dates off of various substances.  What’s with that?  That’s called rationalization and dishonesty.

Shame seems to be at the core of this issue. 
Honesty can be a difficult thing when we are concerned about the result.  If shame at having to change your date of sobriety is keeping you from living an honest life, you are cheating yourself and giving the people who care about you, more reason to distrust you.  If you’re embarrassed to let your ‘sponsees’ know you’ve slipped, you’re jeopardizing their sobriety because you cannot transmit what you no longer have.  If you dread telling your sponsor because you think he/she’ll feel bad about themselves, don’t be—no sponsor can keep anyone from drinking or using illicit drugs when they want to.
Accept that YOU are responsible for your own recovery and honesty is vital to a spiritual awakening.  Let “the hand of A.A.” be there for you and jump back into the steps (especially the fourth & fifth) with a sponsor who knows the book and walks their talk.  And make a commitment to work The Program (not your program) honestly!

Just a few references from the BASIC TEXT: 

Big Book cover“…usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.”  P58
…but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.” P58
“Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.”  P65
“We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world.”  P73
“Unwilling to be honest with these sympathetic men, we were honest with no one else.”  P73
“This is not to say that all alcoholics are honest and upright when not drinking.” P141
“For he knows he must be honest if he would live at all.” P146

And a few more from the 12 AND12: 

“Only by discussing ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being willing to take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking, solid honesty, and genuine humility.”  P59
“All of us saw, for example, that we lacked honesty and tolerance, that we were beset at times by attacks of self-pity or delusions of personal grandeur.”  P58
“When we are honest with another person, it confirms that we have been honest with ourselves and with God.”  P60
“He goes on to explain that any person capable of enough willingness and honesty to try repeatedly Step Six on all his faults – without any reservations whatever – has indeed come a long way spiritually, and is therefore entitled to be called a man who is sincerely trying to grow in the image and likeness of his own Creator.”  P63
“With a proper display of honesty and morality, we’d stand a better chance of getting what we really wanted.”  P72
“We knew we would have to quit the deadly business of living alone with our conflicts, and in honesty confide these to God and another human being.”  P108

For all those “bloggers” out there who copy and paste other bloggers material and don’t link back, give credit, or give sources — shame on you.  That also not working an honest program and is unethical.  12steppers.blogspot.com is one of those, and the site does not have any contact information.
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ETC, a recovered alcoholic in Oregon—relieved of the obsessions but not cured of the allergy.


 
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Posted in admit defeat, Choices, Honesty

 

Honesty, Open-mindedness, Willingness

13 Jun

“Honesty, open-mindedness, & willingness is the HOW of the Program.”
This slogan is often used in meetings to inform newcomers that THIS is how the program works.

What does the Big Book/AA Program tell us?

The phrase doesn’t show up in the textbook as part of our suggested program. It shows up in the “Spiritual Experience” pages IN THE APPENDIX to further explain what spiritual experience means!

Big Book coverBB p.25:
“The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences* which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God’s universe.”
* Fully explained—Appendix II. (footnote)
BB p.568(570), Appendix II, Spiritual Experience
“Most emphatically we wish to say that any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems in the light of our experience can recover, provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts. He can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial. We find that no one need have difficulty with the spirituality of the program. Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of (our spiritual) recovery. But these are indispensable.”

H.O.W. helps us get started on our own, personal spiritual journey; it is what we need to be able to grasp onto that flimsy reed—to climb onto that broad, roomy highway (where all spiritual beliefs are accepted):
–To honestly face our problems and deal with any touchiness (p 48) or intolerance we may have on the subject of spiritual things;
–To open our minds to the possibility that there IS one who has all power and cares about us;
–To be willing to investigate and explore spiritual options, so that we may begin the journey toward daily conscious contact with the Higher Power (as you understand God—today).

The actual HOW of the Program is the chapter, “HOW IT WORKS.”

The AA pioneers suggested THE TWELVE STEPS as our PROGRAM OF RECOVERY: These are HOW we become recovered — IF we voluntarily and completely follow THEIR path. Chapter Five describes the real ‘HOW’ of The Program.

BB Chapter 5, HOW IT WORKS
Big Book cover“RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
…If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps. At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. Remember that we deal with alcohol-cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power-that One is God. May you find Him now! Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:”

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ETC, a recovered (but not cured) alcoholic in Oregon

 
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Posted in HOW it works, Spirituality

 

Are You Just Trying to Be a Better Person?

22 Apr

THE PRETENDERS

Are you learning to “play nice with others”
It IS important to get along with others in our community and society as a whole. This is a pretty good goal as long as it’s authentic. But if it’s manipulative, it’s got to go.
Are you trying to be ‘nice,’ a friend to everyone, well-liked, and non-offending?
Is that really all there is to it? It’s a bit codependent to be concerned how others think of me (been there). I have to ask myself: Does it really come from the heart or am I trying to impress my friends, my P.O. or S.O., parents, or therapist? …or so I can sit in meetings and boast about how awesomely ‘non-judgemental’ I am?
This sometimes is a sign of complacency and laziness… when honesty and the pursuit of truth is secondary to saying what someone wants to hear (that’s not guidance).
Are you just faking it ‘till you make it? Faking is pretending—acting, a counterfeit. Are you still trying to control the show? Try working Steps 1-3 again. If I am not thoroughly honest with myself and others, my  life will not change.
ALTHOUGH this is related to Therapists’ suggestions to “act as if” for awhile, if a new, healthier behavior is very uncomfortable at first. The motive for actual change is necessary. In addition, spiritual advisors often suggest it when someone doubts their love for God simply because they don’t FEEL IT.

From C.S. Lewis, pp.131-132 in Mere Christianity:
“Some Christian writers use the word charity to describe not only Christian love between human beings, but also God’s love for man and man’s love for God. About the second of these two, people are often worried. They are told they ought to love God. They cannot find any such feeling in themselves. The answer is the same as before. Act as if you did. Do not sit trying to manufacture feelings. Ask yourself, ‘If I were sure that I loved God, what would I do?’ When you have found the answer go and do it.”

Are you working on just changing outside appearances?
That’s still living a lie—another disguise. It’s creating a false reality.  People wear uniforms to make people believe they’re something they’re not: Rich, Macho, Hip, slick and cool, Tough as nails, Poor, Pathetic, etc. …manipulation, again. We can’t fake a new personality for too long. At some point the poop will hit the fan and we’re right back at that ‘turning point.’
…or have you fully surrendered your life (and EGO) to God (as you understand God)?

HONESTY, OPENMINDEDNESS, and WILLINGNESS

These are the requirements to enter into that new way of living on a spiritual basis. In living this new way of life, am I of maximum service to God and others, or am I concerned about how others perceive me?

BB p.77, Into Action “Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.”

SURRENDER/Relinquish

When I tried to change ME before, I did a lousy job of it. That’s why I needed these 12 Steps—alcohol was only a symptom of my problem. God can do for me what I could not do myself. I can try and try and try to become a better person, but unless the change comes from within (where God is) I still fail… it’ll be a constant struggle. Like someone who is always recovering, never recovered. It is easy to hang on to what I THINK are the GOOD things about me and what I’ve done. What WE think He should let us keep (because we worked SO HARD for that). After all, look at the wonderful progress I’ve made! From THERE to HERE. Da-ang—I’m doin’ GOOD! I can rationalize all day on that. No. Sorry. Apparently God wants all that too. We need to be willing to give to Him/Her what we value the most.
(Surrender is a military term, and a Christian term)

Everything. NOW.
Are you willing to let go of your family, job, health, kids, spouse, friends, house, location, car, paycheck, good looks, time, etc. Unless we ARE willing, we have not made a FULL SURRENDER of everything we have… it’s His stuff anyway isn’t it? Trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. Then, all Heaven breaks loose! In our daily, morning quiet time and throughout the day, the Higher Power lets us know what to do, and where to go from here. It is a difficult path to follow sometimes, but we do get strength and guidance for each day.

And that’s another topic for another day, maybe.

ETC—a recovered (but not cured) alcoholic in Oregon
 
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Posted in Higher Powered, Service, Surrender

 

A.A. Meetings & Groups

08 Apr

A.A. membership has become top-heavy with non-alcoholics looking for free “group therapy” sessions and companionship instead of only those who suffer from alcoholism.

BB pg 563, Tradition Five: “Each Alcoholics Anonymous group ought to be a spiritual entity having but one primary purpose—that of carrying its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.”

Do you hear any of these messages in meetings you attend?

  • Talk about what IT (instead of ‘what we were like’) was like—what I did not do—and what I hope all the sick, sober-only kids will think is cool!!“
  • Back when I was drinkin’…”
  • “All the steps and the big book are subjective and open to interpretation, so…”.
  • “There’s two schools of thought on that…”
  • “The big book is antiquated and not relevant for today’s alcoholic.”
  • “The steps are suggested so I can work them any way I want to and suggest my way in meetings.”
  • “Don’t say you’ll never drink again—you’ll jinx your sobriety.”

Bill Wilson, Grapevine, 1958: “Sobriety—freedom from alcohol—through the teaching and the practice of the Twelve Steps is the SOLE PURPOSE of an A.A. group.”

Any of these things going on in meetings?

  • People who are there just to drink coffee? Get a date? To please the spouse, boss, or courts.
  • A bunch of raunchy, derogatory jokes under the excuse that it’s okay because of ‘rule 62.’
  • A place to dump their mess instead of the message.
  • Detailed, boring drunk-a-logues.
  • People getting rid of their 5th step or other crap to make themselves feel better.
  • Meetings that have dissolved into ‘a what it means to me’ meeting (my program my way) by rehab graduates and Middle-of-the-Road solutionists.
  • A groupthink-type mentality and stating of meaningless phrases and clichés.
  • A lot of ‘pop-AA,’ a.k.a. ‘treatment center’ jargon and slogans are spread as ‘the message.’
  • Where people who read from the book and share about the life-saving nature of the 12-Step Program are ridiculed as ‘book thumpers’ or ‘AA Taliban,’ or ‘arrogant know-it-alls’?
  • People who confuse ‘carrying the message’ with being a good Samaritan?
  • They are fearful of damaging someone’s self-esteem and are trying to win friends and a ‘posse.’
  • A lot of hugs, lovey dovey and ‘don’t judge me’ talk, ‘just go to meetings you’ll be fine,’ ‘think positive,’ BS?
  • People who’s method of sponsorship is ‘take your time,’ ‘just call me before you drink,’ or ‘call me every morning and tell me your plans for the day.’
  • People polishing up their speeches in hopes of getting on the speaker circuit.
  • AAers who think it’s all about raffles, AA picnics, conventions, and having a good time?
  • Are there newcomers going to two and three meetings a day believing that the more meetings they make, the easier it will be to stay sober—then they drink anyway (duh!).
  • A lot of ‘outside issues’ discussed; i.e., medical views, scientific definitions, NA slogans, my sponsor’s opinion, etc.
  • Is everyone ‘recovering’ instead of ‘recovered’ (as the program tells us we become IF we do what THEY did and live by the spiritual principles).
  • And, have you ever left a meeting feeling like you need a meeting?

Going to meetings and sharing about your emotional condition is NOT carrying the message as given to us by the AA pioneers.

AA, as designed and intended, is a society and supportive means of upholding our PRIMARY PURPOSE. The newcomer who comes to us for help needs to hear the voice of experience and knowledge—not a rehab graduate’s concept of experience, strength, and hope. He has no experience, is un-treated, he is weak and hopeless, and he has a ‘monkey-mind’ until he recovers. He/she needs help to find (and build a relationship with) God—a power greater than themselves. This is the “fourth dimension of existence,” a life of joy and purpose in God’s will instead of self-will.

THE SOLUTION: Search out meetings where the Big Book is read, Truth is spoken and encouraged, and join them as you trudge the road to happy destiny. God “will show you how to create the fellowship you crave.” BB p 164.

for more related information:

  1. the original “Meeting Rhetoric VS The Big Book”on the articles page at Primary Purpose Groups in Dallas.
  2. an expanded version of Rhetoric VS Big Book on the downloads page at Rose City Recovery Connections
  3. Great observations about AA meetings by Danny S (RLRA): Meetings
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ETC—a recovered (but not cured) alcoholic in Oregon
 
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Posted in AA Meetings, non-alcoholics

 
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