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Posts Tagged ‘letting go’

A Change of Mind (“Surrender”)

06 Jun

A reminder: The word “surrender” is NOT used in the basic text or in the 12+12 book.

“Surrender” is possible after thoroughly practicing the first three steps. Steps One, Two, and Three were part of a surrender process.  It is “life under new management.”  It is admitting that something is beyond our control. . .beyond our ability to fix a problem. We get a new way of looking at things—letting go of needing to control our life.  It changes how we think, perceive, and feel.
A life under new management is never done and over with, it is a process to be sustained and continuously deepened.   Am I letting God be my New Employer and the Director of my Life?  It’s easier said than done!

Many people are uncomfortable with the word, surrender. It is term used by the military and it has Christian roots as used in other A.A. literature.
From ‘The Eight Points of the Oxford Group’
“Repentance is the very breath of surrender.  Repentance requires a recognition of the facts about ourselves. . . .The capacity of the human mind for self-deception is unlimited. . .The trouble with us is not a list of wrongs that can be added up but the general state of wrongness. . .we soon begin to find that our lives are not made up of separate pieces that can be separately mended.  Life is of one piece.  If we make no radical change except to mend some particular fault, we find ourselves giving way to it again because of some weakness at another point.  It is the whole of life that must be turned and changed.
“The surrender of self must include every interest, possession, and relationship. If self is kept back from God, life will be series of reluctances and irritations.”

Are we honestly willing to be of maximum service to God and to our fellows?  Are we now willing to make a commitment to live life on God’s terms? . . .to yield ourselves absolutely to God, as we understand him, her, or it—and accept the trudging (the footwork of daily maintenance of our spiritual condition) that is necessary for personal growth?

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ETC, a recovered alcoholic in Oregon—relieved of the obsession but not cured of the allergy.
 
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Posted in admit defeat, Commitment, Service

 

EXPECTATIONS & CHOICES

23 Apr

“Expectations are premeditated resentments.”
This is a saying often heard in recovery circles. If someone, a situation, or event doesn’t live up to what we thought it should, we are disappointed—which often leads to a resentment. And addictive people must avoid dwelling on disappointments and grudges because from there, the path to seeking revenge is the next easy step (stinking thinking).
One example is expecting love, but being unwilling to show love to others.
“We are what we think.” Am I willing to change my thoughts to change my life?

Instant Gratification
“I want it and I want it NOW.” This thinking is typical for alkies and addicts. “I want to feel good right now and I don’t care how it affects anyone else—even my family. MY pleasure is more important than anything or anyone else.”
This is a big issue for self-inventory, reflection, and prayer.

The world doesn’t change to accommodate MY wants and desires. The world is what it is. The Serenity Prayer helps here… asking for ‘courage to accept the things I cannot change.’  Life is much more satisfying if we can delay gratification for something now, and wait for something better down the road.

Spiritual Growth not fast enough?
Do you think you should be ‘further along’ in your spiritual growth? That life should be better by now? That, your outward appearances do not truly reflect all the time and effort you’ve put into changing your life?
EASY DOES IT on those expectations! We do the footwork and leave the outcome to God. When I have expectations of how fast I should grow spiritually, I am back to living in self-will, and from there it is easy to blame God for my disappointments. If I’m living in my past disappointments, it stifles my spiritual growth. I do not have to let my feelings control my life and my decisions.
Dwelling on resentments keeps me stuck in old behaviors and separated from “the sunlight of the spirit.” Can I try to allow others to also just be human?

Making Choices
I need to adapt and adjust to the reality of this world. I can learn to manage my reactions to these unchangeable realities. SOMETHING happens when I make a choice… positive or negative. Feelings are normal and natural, but what I do with those is a choice. CHOOSE who and what is important (priorities) and try to stay focused on those.

A New Way of Living
In order to get to where we want to go, we need to find out where we are (Step One), we also need to figure out where we’re going (Step Two), and then we need to decide on how to get there (Steps Three through Twelve).

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ETC, a recovered alcoholic in Oregon—relieved of the obsession but not cured of the allergy.

 
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Posted in Choices, Inventory

 

“To the Best of My/Their Ability”

08 Aug

ABILITY Definitions

(from www.thefreedictionary.com/ability) n. pl. a·bil·i·ties
1. The quality of being able to do something, especially the physical, mental, financial, or legal power to accomplish something.
2. A natural or acquired skill or talent.
3. The quality of being suitable for or receptive to a specified treatment; capacity.
SYNONYMS: ability, capacity, faculty, talent, skill, competence, aptitude.
These nouns denote qualities that enable a person to achieve or accomplish something.  Ability is the mental or physical power to do something.  Capacity refers to the potential for acquiring that power. Faculty denotes an inherent ability.  Talent emphasizes inborn ability.  Skill stresses ability acquired or developed through experience.  Competence suggests the ability to do something satisfactorily but not necessarily outstandingly.  Aptitude implies inherent capacity for learning, understanding, or performing. denotes an inherent ability.

RATIONALIZING and BLAME:

That phrase, “to the best of my/their ability” can signal that someone is rationalizing their behavior or someone else’s behavior …or just will not accept that they’ve done anything wrong or damaging.

  • “It’s not my job to do that.” “I’ve done enough; someone else should take over.”  “I’ll do only enough to get by.”  “I don’t care if it’s important to YOU.”  “I want what I want when I want it.”  “Nobody appreciates what I do anyway, so why bother?”  “Do it my way or take the highway.”  “Oh well, I guess I’m just a hopeless screw-up.”  “If you don’t like the way I’m doing it, go screw yourself.”  “Kids are resilient—they’ll get over it.”
  • Newcomers—who still believe they can ‘think their way out’ of their current mess.
  • Midtimers and ‘sober-onlies’—who got tired of doing a daily inventory to check if they’re actually practicing the spiritual principles in all their affairs 24/7 … or to check for HP’s guidance… to see what behaviors need attentions and work.

That way there’s someone else, including God, to blame for a life of misery and frustration. “Hey, I’m really trying, but life still sucks! I guess I just can’t do it right.” This helps them avoid the serious work of facing the truth and taking more action.

ON ABUSE:  Are you really FORGIVING the person(s)? …or Making EXCUSES for them?

Avoiding the issue of abuse is ‘sweeping it under the rug,’ and is NOT facing and accepting it.  Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. Holding this inside can endanger our own life…  Some parents seem to be incapable of treating a child (or anyone else) with any measure of respect; they hate themselves to the point they can’t love anyone else; they lie to you for no apparent reason or for ANY reason.

The 12-Step Program reminds us that we must be honest, holding nothing back. The goal of true intimacy (connecting) with another person cannot be realized if this is not dealt with.

  • Many who experienced childhood abuse from a parent or other ‘trusted’ adult, use this phrase—assuming that this constitutes ‘acceptance and forgiveness.’
  • Accepting the abuser’s excuses for their behavior is not healthy acceptance—it is just rationalizing their behavior and avoiding the pain of seeing it for what it is.
    • Newcomers are encouraged to seek professional guidance through this maze. A simple 4th and 5th step with an inexperienced ‘sponsor’ is NOT adequate and may cause additional damage.
    • Anyone who has regularly inflicted abuse on others should also seek professional help. This goes beyond the scope of simple ‘behavioral shortcomings.’

ABILITY IS A QUALITY AND A SHOWING OF COMPETENCE; it is the mental or physical power to do something.

For facing the facts of abusive people in our lives, maybe a more apt phrase to use would be, “…to the best of their INABILITY.” If someone didn’t or doesn’t care enough to get help and learn newer, healthier skills, they DID NOT DO THE TASK TO THE BEST OF THEIR ABILITY.

REALITY CHECKS and SOLUTIONS

HOW DOES ANYONE EVEN KNOW if they, or anyone else, has been doing ANYTHING to the BEST OF THEIR ABILITY? We don’t. So to stay on the path, we need to…

  • check with trusted people who are also working a spiritual program of action. We need regular “reality checks” to not stay stuck in our own separate made-up personal world where we’re so important.
  • seek outside help if you’re stuck in ugly, selfish, or self-damaging behaviors.
  • try something new and different. …watch and learn from others ….ask for guidance …learn new skills.
  • take a few steps back and look at the bigger picture. Regularly focusing too much on taking care of tiny details isn’t always “doing a good job.”
  • don’t give up just because it hurts a little! It’s supposed to hurt.  A bit of shame means something is out of whack and needs some work. It means the EGO got a poke with a sharp stick.
  • try saying, “I DON’T KNOW if I did, or am doing it, to the best of my ability, but I’m working on it.”

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ETC, a recovered (but not cured) alcoholic in Oregon

 
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Posted in Resentments, Step 9

 

This Business of Resentments

22 Jun

Compiled by Barefoot Bob Hardison

If we want to recover from alcoholism, the BigBook says, “We saw that these resentments must be mastered,” and here’s why:

  1. Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease. (pg 64)
  2. It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility. (pg 66)
  3. It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to unhappiness (pg 66)
  4. To the precise extent that we permit these [deep resentment], do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. (pg 66)
  5. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. (pg 66)
  6. We found that it [this business of resentment] is fatal. (pg 66)
  7. For when harboring such feelings [resentment] we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. (pg 66)
  8. [When we harbor resentment] the insanity of alcohol returns. (pg 66)
  9. [When we harbor resentment] we drink again. (pg 66)
  10. For alcoholics these things [including resentment] are poison. (pg 66)
  11. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others [resentment], fancied or real, had power to actually kill. (pg 66)
  12. We have listed and analyzed our resentments. We have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. (pg 70)
  13. We have commenced to see their [resentment's] terrible destructiveness. (pg 70)
  14. Never forget that resentment is a deadly hazard to an alcoholic. (pg 117)
  15. The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment, jealousy, frustration, and fear. (pg 145)


After all this, it can’t be denied that the Big Book paints a really definite picture of the result of holding resentments. Is it possible that the more we have them, the more we are moving toward our next drink, since we have used alcohol before to help us deal with them? We must honestly ask ourself if we are earnestly seeking to get rid of resentments in our life, or do we hold on to some, considering them unavoidable. It’s something to think about.

 
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Posted in Resentments, Surrender