ABILITY Definitions

(from www.thefreedictionary.com/ability) n. pl. a·bil·i·ties
1. The quality of being able to do something, especially the physical, mental, financial, or legal power to accomplish something.
2. A natural or acquired skill or talent.
3. The quality of being suitable for or receptive to a specified treatment; capacity.
SYNONYMS: ability, capacity, faculty, talent, skill, competence, aptitude.
These nouns denote qualities that enable a person to achieve or accomplish something.  Ability is the mental or physical power to do something.  Capacity refers to the potential for acquiring that power. Faculty denotes an inherent ability.  Talent emphasizes inborn ability.  Skill stresses ability acquired or developed through experience.  Competence suggests the ability to do something satisfactorily but not necessarily outstandingly.  Aptitude implies inherent capacity for learning, understanding, or performing. denotes an inherent ability.

RATIONALIZING and BLAME:

That phrase, “to the best of my/their ability” can signal that someone is rationalizing their behavior or someone else’s behavior …or just will not accept that they’ve done anything wrong or damaging.

• “It’s not my job to do that.” “I’ve done enough; someone else should take over.”  “I’ll do only enough to get by.”  “I don’t care if it’s important to YOU.”  “I want what I want when I want it.”  “Nobody appreciates what I do anyway, so why bother?”  “Do it my way or take the highway.”  “Oh well, I guess I’m just a hopeless screw-up.”  “If you don’t like the way I’m doing it, go screw yourself.”  “Kids are resilient—they’ll get over it.”
• Newcomers—who still believe they can ‘think their way out’ of their current mess.
• Midtimers and ‘sober-onlies’—who got tired of doing a daily inventory to check if they’re actually practicing the spiritual principles in all their affairs 24/7 … or to check for HP’s guidance… to see what behaviors need attentions and work.

That way there’s someone else, including God, to blame for a life of misery and frustration. “Hey, I’m really trying, but life still sucks! I guess I just can’t do it right.” This helps them avoid the serious work of facing the truth and taking more action.

ON ABUSE:  Are you really FORGIVING the person(s)? …or Making EXCUSES for them?

Avoiding the issue of abuse is ‘sweeping it under the rug,’ and is NOT facing and accepting it.  Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. Holding this inside can endanger our own life…  Some parents seem to be incapable of treating a child (or anyone else) with any measure of respect; they hate themselves to the point they can’t love anyone else; they lie to you for no apparent reason or for ANY reason.

The 12-Step Program reminds us that we must be honest, holding nothing back. The goal of true intimacy (connecting) with another person cannot be realized if this is not dealt with.

• Many who experienced childhood abuse from a parent or other ‘trusted’ adult, use this phrase—assuming that this constitutes ‘acceptance and forgiveness.’
• Accepting the abuser’s excuses for their behavior is not healthy acceptance—it is just rationalizing their behavior and avoiding the pain of seeing it for what it is.
  • Newcomers are encouraged to seek professional guidance through this maze. A simple 4^th and 5^th step with an inexperienced ‘sponsor’ is NOT adequate and may cause additional damage.
  • Anyone who has regularly inflicted abuse on others should also seek professional help. This goes beyond the scope of simple ‘behavioral shortcomings.’

ABILITY IS A QUALITY AND A SHOWING OF COMPETENCE; it is the mental or physical power to do something.

For facing the facts of abusive people in our lives, maybe a more apt phrase to use would be, “…to the best of their INABILITY.” If someone didn’t or doesn’t care enough to get help and learn newer, healthier skills, they DID NOT DO THE TASK TO THE BEST OF THEIR ABILITY.

REALITY CHECKS and SOLUTIONS

HOW DOES ANYONE EVEN KNOW if they, or anyone else, has been doing ANYTHING to the BEST OF THEIR ABILITY? We don’t. So to stay on the path, we need to…

• check with trusted people who are also working a spiritual program of action. We need regular “reality checks” to not stay stuck in our own separate made-up personal world where we’re so important.
• seek outside help if you’re stuck in ugly, selfish, or self-damaging behaviors.
• try something new and different. …watch and learn from others ….ask for guidance …learn new skills.
• take a few steps back and look at the bigger picture. Regularly focusing too much on taking care of tiny details isn’t always “doing a good job.”
• don’t give up just because it hurts a little! It’s supposed to hurt.  A bit of shame means something is out of whack and needs some work. It means the EGO got a poke with a sharp stick.
• try saying, “I DON’T KNOW if I did, or am doing it, to the best of my ability, but I’m working on it.”

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ETC, a recovered (but not cured) alcoholic in Oregon