12-STEP RECOVERY Musings

“JUDGING” is not a bad thing!

“Appraising, ascertaining, assessing, deciding, discerning, checking, distinguishing, estimating, evaluating, gathering (information), mediating, reviewing, resolving, testing. “

Judgment is everywhere in our society as well as in other cultures.
There is no such thing as living in a world in which individuals are not being judged for the actions that they take. Making a statement such as, “you cannot judge me,” is ridiculous, because the whole world is placed in judgment. Although we can judge each other’s actions or behaviors, we cannot judge the intent of a person’s heart—only God can truly judge the intent of a person’s heart. (these statements come from a political scientist, PhD)
When someone insists that we should not judge others, THEY are in fact passing a value judgment (that judging people is wrong) and that anyone who DOES judge others is doing something wrong. Those people who say that we shouldn’t judge others are in fact doing exactly what they say others shouldn’t do.  Have you ever heard one of those unselfish, spiritually-advanced people in meetings claim they NEVER judge other people or take others’ inventories, and they have unconditional love for everyone? By the way, unconditional = absolute = perfect. Someone who insists they have “unconditional love for everybody” is claiming to have perfect love. (or they may be on too much medication.)
Judging others does NOT necessarily mean we are CONDEMNING them…
We leave that for God.  To be nonjudgmental means I don’t look down on or belittle someone based on my own biases and opinions. It’s all in our motives and commitment to honesty.

As part of our Step Four process, WE ARE INSTRUCTED TO TAKE AN INVENTORY OF THE PEOPLE ON OUR LIST. That is made clear in the Column 2 examples.
From the A.A. basic text:
page 64: “We asked ourselves why we were angry.”
page 65-66:  The Cause column in the lists gives many examples…. “We were usually as definite as this example.” … “Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.” … “the first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong.”

Go for it. This is where we dive into the murky shadows and pull out all those dark & toxic resentments and bring them out in the open–into the sunlight.  This is where we list all those “dirty rotten things those sons of bitches did to me.”  We must look at all the ways in which we felt & thought “this world and its people” had done us wrong. This is also the time to face all the “poor me, everybody screwed me over” stuff–if we don’t, then the “poor me” soon becomes, “Pour me another drink.”  Open the closet doors and drag out those resentments, ‘skeletons,’ and ‘demons.’  If we leave any behind to fester, they will continue to cause problems. If we don’t list them all, we will not be able to tackle Columns 3 and 4 with complete honesty.

For personal and spiritual growth, we must honestly & continuously appraise and judge ourselves— our character liabilities and everything that blocks us from the sunlight of the spirit. Step Four and Step Ten make this clear. This process also requires us to THINK.
From the A.A. basic text:
page 67:  (this is Column 4):  “Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes.”  …”Where were we to blame.” …”When we saw our faults we listed them.”
(If we were thorough and honest writing the first 3 columns, then THIS is where we can take a deep breath of fresh air and look at our own mistakes, our liabilities, our faults.  NOTE: nowhere are we instructed to look at ‘our part’ in something–doing this has pressured victims of childhood abuse to continue looking for  how they ‘asked for it’).
page 76: “We subjected ourselves to a drastic self appraisal.” (Regular self-judging is required for full recovery)
page 104: “We want to analyze mistakes we have made.”
page 83: “We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them.” (We must learn from the past, so we don’t repeat the same mistakes.  ‘Analyzing’ helps us continue to learn what needs to be changed)
From the 12+12 book:
page 48: “Human beings are never quite alike, so each of us, when making an inventory, will need to determine what his individual character defects are.” (in that way, we ARE unique)
page 52: “But all alcoholics who have drunk themselves out of jobs, family, and friends will need to cross-examine themselves ruthlessly to determine how their own personality defects have thus demolished their security.” page 88: “A continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means, are necessities for us.”       “… no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, …”
page 89: “The emphasis on inventory is heavy only because a great many of us have never really acquired the habit of accurate self-appraisal.” (relentless self-searching is honestly judging ourselves on a regular basis)
page 94: “As we glance down the debit side of the day’s ledger, we should carefully examine our motives in each thought or act that appears to be wrong.” (judging our own motives)

We also need to make a judgment call to choose WHO TO SHARE OUR FIFTH STEP WITH

From the A.A. basic text:
page 74: “Rightly and naturally, we THINK WELL before we choose the person or persons
with whom to take this intimate and confidential step.”
(Sounds like we need to pre-judge a person before we spill our guts—we need to assess others for our own safety)
From the 12+12 book
page 52: “To take inventory in this respect we ought to CONSIDER CAREFULLY all personal relationships which bring continuous or recurring trouble.”
(Sounds like it involves ‘judging’ the people in our life and our relationships with them)
page 61: “We shall want to speak with someone who is experienced, who not only has stayed dry but has been able to surmount other serious difficulties.”
(to determine this, we need to take inventory of the person’s growth in recovery.  After all, we are about to share personal and sensitive information)

When someone insists that we should not judge others, THEY are in fact passing a value judgment (that judging people is wrong) and that anyone who DOES judge others is doing something wrong. Those people who say that we shouldn’t judge others are in fact doing exactly what they say others shouldn’t do.

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ETC, a recovered alcoholic in Oregon—relieved of the obsession but not cured of the allergy.