About “Recovery Musings”
My name is Elaine and I am a recovered (but not cured) alcoholic.
I believe anonymity is valuable in the media and I support A.A.’s public relations policy because it was intended to keep our egos in check–to refrain from claiming that we speak for and represent all of AA; of posting our photograph as ‘the face of AA.’ But while exploring the Internet’s Super-Broad Highway of cyber-information, I have read from too many people, mostly the newly sober (1-3 years), who spew a bunch of recovery nonsense and then HIDE BEHIND ANONYMITY. Therefore I have chosen to not be totally anonymous in order to keep myself accountable for what I write.
I’m a “student” and try to stay teachable. What a joy it was to (eventually) find out that I still had brain cells left. There’s so much to study and learn about the original, radical program as designed by the founders and many pioneers.
I do NOT mix this A.A.-related blog with personal happenings, political, religious, and life opinions, because that clouds the whole point of anonymity and puts an “A.A. face” on these outside issues. There are many of these types of blogs out there who seem to represent AA on other topics.
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My first years of sobriety were very difficult. I went to transitional housing via a shelter. I was a ‘basket case’ with no medical assistance (pills) at all. I struggled with the anxiety, panic, paranoia, OCD, with WHITE KNUCKLES. Thank God for people and agencies who help. But I’d been heavily abusing drugs, and got to A.A. (NW Alano Club) just wanting to figure out how to control my drinking so I could stop being obsessed with using drugs again. After all, I “needed” alcohol and knew I could not go a year without drinking. But I also knew I had failed miserably at life–at being a mother–a daughter–a friend–a member of society, etc. I was tired of violence, manipulation, abuse, and being desperate for (fill in the blank) .
After listening and reading for a couple months and trying some controlled drinking– I fully realized my predicament and conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic, drug and other stuff addict, a loser, compulsive, neurotic, confused, paranoid, and worst of all to me: a neglectful, terrified mother–and that I could never regain control over my life on my own power. I had two young ones to take care of, so I had to get better to be a better mom for them. For a better life, I had to get a relationship with God– not as I thought I’d understood Him according to my childhood religion– but to start over from the ground up… humbly, on my knees. As God showed me my life’s mistakes, I felt no condemnation. I could breathe, I could be fallible, it was okay to struggle. I was on my way into that reconstruction and rejuvenation.
I now consider myself as a “recovered alcoholic” according to the strong, radical way of working the original 12-step Program. (References to being a recovered alcoholic are in the Big Book, 12+12, Dr Bob & the Good Oldtimers, AA Comes of Age, Living Sober, etc.) God has relieved me of the terrible obsession to take that first drink even when I knew it was toxic for me. I am not cured–I still have a physical allergy to alcohol, and even a drop of alcohol can set up that craving again.
I love Alcoholics Anonymous–and prefer A.A. the way it was offered in the early years. Studying the history helps me understand what was behind the success. I travel on the ‘broad highway’ to reach out the hand of A.A. to the new seekers who have an ‘honest desire’ to no longer be a slave to their obsession(s). I walk in the sunlight of the Spirit by choice, and practice daily spiritual maintenance for daily guidance. I have met a few true spiritual seekers in A.A. along the way. But I also search the narrow road, the deep, the realm of the spirit–for continued personal spiritual growth. A great many seekers have traveled before me (for hundreds of years) and have reached deeper things of God where I still hesitate to explore too much.
I live south of Portland, Oregon, and have lived in Oregon since 1978.
My sober (& clean) date is February 13, 1989.
