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On Taking Others’ Inventories

27 Apr

Heard in meetings: “My sponsor told me, ‘We are not allowed to take inventory of other people.’ ” 

Big Book coverReally?  This is another one of those slogans/rhetoric/opinions that is passed along through sponsorship lines and Group Think.  —For specifics on how we take inventory of others in our fourth step, get out your A.A. basic text. 
Turn to the chapter “How it Works.” On page 64, we are instructed to write about our many resentments:  “In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper.”  Page 65 instructs us how to go about doing an in-depth columns inventory.  We begin by writing down all the people, institutions, or principles that got us pissed off.  “On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries.” 

CONSIDER:  throughout the basic text, the writers took serious inventory of themselves AND each other covering a wide history of alcoholics, to get thorough and detailed descriptions of the type of alcoholic who needs this program. 

What are “our injuries?” 

These are what go in THE CAUSES column (column two) of our grudge list.  HERE is where we must take inventory of other people… all those jerks, a-holes, sons-of-bitches, and other names I don’t need to list, but you know them.  We write down all the mean, rotten, low-down, dirty crap they did… all the stuff that hurt us, injured us, which screwed us over.  We get it all out. Some people write pages for each person—that’s okay because this is a serious look at ALL our ‘harbored resentments.’  If we don’t get in there and dig this stuff out, bits and pieces will stay in there, keep festering—and if left alone, WILL cause us to drink again.  

In addition, this part of taking step four is vital for taking the fifth step.  Page 72:  “We have been trying to  get a new attitude, a new relationship with our Creator, and to discover the obstacles in our path.”  Discussing these things (this means a conversation, not just ‘dumping your crap’) with another human being gets us out of that “double life.”  Page 72: “. . .if we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking.”  Starting at the bottom of page 73 to the top of page 74:  “We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world.” 

When we have the all that crap and muck laid out in front of us—THEN we will be able to move on and “resolutely look for our own mistakes.”  THEN we can take inventory of ourselves—our mistakes, where we have been to blame, our selfishness, and our faults.  This part of the inventory goes in COLUMN FOUR:  on page 67, the paragraph that begins with, “Referring to our list again. . .”

We must make “a strenuous effort to face, and be rid of, the things in our selves which had been blocking us” from the sunlight of the spirit.  This process helps us overcome the spiritual malady.

_____________________________________________________________________
NOTE:
  If issues of abuse, such as new memories of childhood trauma come up, you do not need to share these with your A.A. guide/sponsor.  In fact, nowhere in the instructions for step five is there a mention of sharing your grudge list with anyone in A.A.  Just share in a general way and then make an appointment to discuss these with a qualified therapist.   If your sponsor wants to hear the nitty-gritty details to ‘help you be honest and thorough,’ point out page 74 which gives us various options for who to discuss our grudge list with.  If he/she still insist, you may want to find another sponsor—find an A.A. Guide who actually studies the basic text. Too many sponsors try to practice therapy without a license.

_____________________________________________________________________________
ETC:  A recovered alcoholic in Oregon—relieved of the obsessions but not cured of the allergy.


 

Causes of Relapse – from the AA Basic Text

21 Mar
Big Book coverMeeting slogans focus on physical activity (meetings, sponsors, fellowship, staying busy with ‘service work,’ reading, etc.) as opposed to the personal spiritual, mental, and behavioral activity that the basic text lists.    The A.A. pioneers concentrated on “…the mental states that precede a relapse into drinking, for obviously this is the crux of the problem.”   [Pg 35, line 1]

NOTE:   I have added six more ’causes’ based on a document entitled “22 Causes of Relapse.”  The article is on a few websites, but I believe it may have originated on the Sober.org website.  Their website is a good source of AA information and I recommend it..  (If someone knows if the origins are from somewhere else, please let me know. )

STEP 1—Failure to Admit Defeat/Concede

  • We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery.  The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed. We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking.  We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control.   [Pg 30, line 11]

STEP 2—Failure to Keep on Believing           

  • Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish.  [Pg 16, line 12]

STEP 3—Failure to Maintain The Decision

  • Whether the family goes on a spiritual basis or not, the alcoholic member has to if he would recover.  [Pg 135, line 1]  

STEP 4—Failure to Deal with Resentments

  • …we have been spiritually sick.  When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper.  [Pg 64, line 26]
  • …this business of resentment is infinitely grave.  We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit.  The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.  [Pg 66, line 15]

STEP 5—Failure to Make Confession

  • We will be more reconciled to discussing ourselves with another person when we see good reasons why we should do so. The best reason first: If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. Almost invariably they got drunk. Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story. [Pg 72, line 28]
  • He trembles to think someone might have observed him.  As fast as he can, he pushed these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day.  He is under constant fear and tension—that makes for more drinking. [Pg 73, line 19]

STEP 7—Failure to Remove Our Shortcomings

  • So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.  They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so.  Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of the selfishness. We must, or it kills us! [Pg 62, line 14]
  • But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave.  We found that it is fatal.  For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit.  The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. [Pg 66, line 13]
  • In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure.  If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed. [Pg 101, line 16]
  • After all, our problems were of our own making. Bottles were only a symbol. Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. We have to! [Pg 103, line 18]
  • We never, never try to arrange a man’s life so as to shield him from temptation. The slightest disposition on your part to guide his appointments or his affairs so he will not be tempted will be noticed. Make him feel absolutely free to come and go as he likes. This is important. If he gets drunk, don’t blame yourself. God has either removed your husband’s liquor problem or He has not. If not, it had better be found out right away. Then you and your husband can get right down to fundamentals. If a repetition is to be prevented, place the problem, along with everything else, in God’s hands. [Pg 120, line 22]

STEP 9—Failure to Make Amends and Restitution

  • We will never get over our drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past.  [Pg 77, line 29]
  • Arranging the best deal we can we let these people know we are sorry. Our drinking has made us slow to pay. We must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go, for we are liable to drink if we are afraid to face them. [Pg 78, line 12]
  • After consulting with his wife and partner he came to the conclusion that it was better to take those risks than to stand before his Creator guilty of such ruinous slander. He saw that he had to place the outcome in God’s hands or he would soon start drinking again, and all would be lost anyhow.  [Pg 80, line 21]

STEP 10—Failure to Make Daily Inventory & Amends

  • Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk? Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.  [Pg 70, line 5]
  • After they have seen tangible results, the family will perhaps want to go along. These things will come to pass naturally and in good time provided, however, the alcoholic continues to demonstrate that he can be sober, considerate, and helpful, regardless of what anyone says or does. Of course, we all fall much below this standard many times. But we must try to repair the damage immediately lest we pay the penalty by a spree.  [Pg 99, line 9]
  • In the first flush of spiritual experience they forgave each other and drew closer together. The miracle of reconciliation was at hand. Then, under one provocation or another, the aggrieved one would unearth the old affair and angrily cast its ashes about. A few of us have had these growing pains and they hurt a great deal. Husbands and wives have sometimes been obliged to separate for a time until new perspective, new victory over hurt pride could be rewon. In most cases, the alcoholic survived this ordeal without relapse, but not always. So we think that unless some good and useful purpose is to be served, past occurrences should not be discussed.  [Pg 124, line 25]

STEP 11—Failure to Engage in Prayer & Meditation

  • All went well for a time, but he failed to enlarge his spiritual life. To his consternation, he found himself drunk half a dozen times in rapid succession.  [Pg 35, line 27]
  • For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead.  If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die.  [Pg 14 last line to page 15, line 4]
  • It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism.  What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities.  “How can I best serve Thee—Thy will (not mine) be done.”  These are thoughts which must go with us constantly.  We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.  [Pg 85, line 13]
  • Perhaps your husband will make a fair start on the new basis, but just as things are going beautifully he dismays you by coming home drunk.  If you are satisfied he really wants to get over drinking, you need not be alarmed.  Though it is infinitely better that he have no relapse at all, as has been true with many of our men, it is by no means a bad thing in some cases. Your husband will see at once that he must redouble his spiritual activities if he expects to survive.  [Pg 120, line 6]

STEP 12—Failure to have Spiritual Experience

  • …the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—drinks which they see others taking with impunity.  After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again.  This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.  [Pg xxvii, line 1]

STEP 12—Failure to Practice These Principles

  • Most of us sense that real tolerance of other people’s shortcomings and viewpoints and a respect for their opinions are attitudes which make us more useful to others. Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.   [Pg 19, line 30]
  • My friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs. Particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, he said.  And how appallingly true for the alcoholic!  For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trails and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die.  Then faith would be dead indeed.  With us it is just like that.   [Pg 14, line 28]

STEP 12—Failure to Carry the AA Message

  • PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail.   [Pg 89, line 51]
  • let him go as far as he likes in helping other alcoholics.  During those first days of convalescence, this will do more to insure his sobriety than anything else.  Though some of his manifestations are alarming and disagreeable, we think dad will be on a firmer foundation than the man who is placing business or professional success ahead of spiritual development.  He will be less likely to drink again, and anything is preferable to that.   [Pg 129, line 30]
  • the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—drinks which they see others taking with impunity.  After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again.  This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.   [Pg xxvii, line 1]

 

_____________________________________________________________________________
ETC, a recovered alcoholic in Oregon—relieved of the obsessions but not cured of the allergy.

 

It’s Okay to Be Honest about a Relapse

16 Mar

Who believes that once someone comes into A.A. and attends meetings that they are now honest?  Yet newcomers are often encouraged to take everyone’s word for it.  There are many members of 12 Step programs who have not confessed to relapse, for various reasons.  I have known about a few of them over the years who keep claiming continuous clean and sober time even when there is no doubt they have relapsed—maybe more than once.  There are many others who continue in A.A. as a sober alcoholic, keep their sobriety date although it is widely know that they relapsed on illicit drugs.  Other 12-step groups have members who have various clean dates off of various substances.  What’s with that?  That’s called rationalization and dishonesty.

Shame seems to be at the core of this issue. 
Honesty can be a difficult thing when we are concerned about the result.  If shame at having to change your date of sobriety is keeping you from living an honest life, you are cheating yourself and giving the people who care about you, more reason to distrust you.  If you’re embarrassed to let your ‘sponsees’ know you’ve slipped, you’re jeopardizing their sobriety because you cannot transmit what you no longer have.  If you dread telling your sponsor because you think he/she’ll feel bad about themselves, don’t be—no sponsor can keep anyone from drinking or using illicit drugs when they want to.
Accept that YOU are responsible for your own recovery and honesty is vital to a spiritual awakening.  Let “the hand of A.A.” be there for you and jump back into the steps (especially the fourth & fifth) with a sponsor who knows the book and walks their talk.  And make a commitment to work The Program (not your program) honestly!

Just a few references from the BASIC TEXT: 

Big Book cover“…usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.”  P58
…but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.” P58
“Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.”  P65
“We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world.”  P73
“Unwilling to be honest with these sympathetic men, we were honest with no one else.”  P73
“This is not to say that all alcoholics are honest and upright when not drinking.” P141
“For he knows he must be honest if he would live at all.” P146

And a few more from the 12 AND12: 

“Only by discussing ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being willing to take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking, solid honesty, and genuine humility.”  P59
“All of us saw, for example, that we lacked honesty and tolerance, that we were beset at times by attacks of self-pity or delusions of personal grandeur.”  P58
“When we are honest with another person, it confirms that we have been honest with ourselves and with God.”  P60
“He goes on to explain that any person capable of enough willingness and honesty to try repeatedly Step Six on all his faults – without any reservations whatever – has indeed come a long way spiritually, and is therefore entitled to be called a man who is sincerely trying to grow in the image and likeness of his own Creator.”  P63
“With a proper display of honesty and morality, we’d stand a better chance of getting what we really wanted.”  P72
“We knew we would have to quit the deadly business of living alone with our conflicts, and in honesty confide these to God and another human being.”  P108

For all those “bloggers” out there who copy and paste other bloggers material and don’t link back, give credit, or give sources — shame on you.  That also not working an honest program and is unethical.  12steppers.blogspot.com is one of those, and the site does not have any contact information.
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ETC, a recovered alcoholic in Oregon—relieved of the obsessions but not cured of the allergy.


 

A.A.’s Radical Recovery Plan

08 Jan

rad·i·cal  –fundamental: a radical difference;
forming a basis or foundation;
advanced  / favoring drastic reforms; deviating by extremes: especially as regards change from accepted or traditional forms;  thorough going

FOR A FULL RECOVERY (becoming recovered), FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS; THE CLEAR-CUT DIRECTIONS: 

boot printsThe founders and pioneers made a fundamental difference in the outlook for chronic alcoholics. They provided a way out for them by following a ‘few simple rules’ in the plan they outlined in their textbook.  A radical change would result by taking the same “clear-cut directions” that showed how they RECOVERED.  This is the original, strong method. 
LINK
to Excerpts from Gresham’s Law and Alcoholics Anonymous

The A.A. Basic Text:
Big Book coverp. xxvii, The Doctor’s Opinion  

The cases we have followed through have been most interesting; in fact, many of them are amazing.
p. xxix, The Doctor’s Opinion:

On the other hand—and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand — once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules.
p. xxiii, Foreword to Fourth Edition
Like so much of A.A.’s basic text, those words have proved to be far more visionary than the founding members could ever have imagined.
p. xxii, Foreword to Third Edition
The basic principles of the A.A. program, it appears, hold good for individuals with many different lifestyles, just as the program has brought recovery to those of many different nationalities.
p. xxix, The Doctor’s Opinion 
One feels that something more than human power is needed to produce the essential psychic change.
p. xxix, The Doctor’s Opinion
This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.
p. 8, Bill’s Story
I was to know happiness, peace, and usefulness, in a way of life that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes.
p.12, Bill’s Story
Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend.
p. 13, Bill’s Story
Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, were the essential requirements.
p. 14, Bill’s Story
God comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound.
Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, were the essential requirements.   …
These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric.
p. 27, There Is A Solution
He can go anywhere on this earth where other free men may go without disaster, provided he remains willing to maintain a certain simple attitude.
p.42, More About Alcoholism
But the program of action, though entirely sensible, was pretty drastic.
p.52, We Agnostics
But in most fields our generation has witnessed complete liberation of our thinking.
p. 55, We Agnostics:

Actually we were fooling ourselves, for deep down in every man, woman, and child, is the fundamental idea of God.
p. 59, How It Works
We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
p. 63, How It Works
This was only a beginning, though if honestly and humbly made, an effect, sometimes a very great one, was felt at once.
p. 65, How It Works
Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.
p.68, How It Works
Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.
p. 77, Into Action
Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.
p. 83, Into Action
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
p. 84, Into Action
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
p. 90, Working With Others
Then let his family or a friend ask him if he wants to quit for good and if he would go to any extreme to do so.
p. 98, Working With Others
Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job—wife or no wife—we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.
p.142, To Employers
After satisfying yourself that your man wants to recover and that he will go to any extreme to do so, you may suggest a definite course of action.
p. 143, To Employers
Though you are providing him with the best possible medical attention, he should understand that he must undergo a change of heart.  …
To get over drinking will require a transformation of thought and attitude.
p. 145, To Employers
In fact, he may say almost anything if he has accepted our solution which, as you know, demands rigorous honesty.
p.153, A Vision For You
It may seem incredible that these men are to become happy, respected, and useful once more.
p. 568, Appendix II, Spiritual Experience

Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery.
p. 567, Appendix II, Spiritual Experience
The terms “spiritual experience“ and “spiritual awakening“ are used many times in this book which, upon careful reading, shows that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifested itself among us in many different forms.
p. 567, Appendix II, Spiritual Experience
He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone.
p. 570, Appendix III The Medical View on A.A.:
Even among those who occasionally land back in here again, we observe a profound change in personality.  

12&12 p.92
Such a radical change in our outlook will take time, maybe a lot of time.
12&12 p.21, Step One
We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength.
12&12 p.22, Step One
When first challenged to admit defeat, most of us revolted. …
The principle that we shall find no enduring strength until we first admit complete defeat is the main taproot from which our whole Society has sprung and flowered.
12&12 p.36, Step Three
Therefore dependence, as A.A. practices it, is really a means of gaining true independence of the spirit.
12&12 p.50, Step Four
By now the newcomer has probably arrived at the following conclusions: that his character defects, representing instincts gone astray, have been the primary cause of his drinking and his failure at life; that unless he is now willing to work hard at the elimination of the worst of these defects, both sobriety and peace of mind will still elude him; that all the faulty foundation of his life will have to be torn out and built anew on bedrock.
12&12 p.59, Step Five
Only by discussing ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being willing to take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking, solid honesty, and genuine humility.
12&12 p.64, Step Six
So in a very complete and literal way, all A.A.‘s have “become entirely ready“ to have God remove the mania for alcohol from their lives.
12&12 p.70, Step Seven Indeed, the attainment of greater humility is the foundation principle of each of A.A.‘s Twelve Steps.
12&12 p.72, Step Seven
We never thought of making honesty, tolerance, and true love of man and God the daily basis of living.
12&12 p.75, Step Seven
During this process of learning more about humility, the most profound result of all was the change in our attitude toward God.
12&12 p.87, Step Nine
For the readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine.
12&12 p.98, Step Eleven
But when they are logically related and interwoven, the result is an unshakable foundation for life.
12&12 p.107, Step Twelve
He finds himself in possession of a degree of honesty, tolerance, unselfishness, peace of mind, and love of which he had thought himself quite incapable.  …
When a man or a woman has a spiritual awakening, the most important meaning of it is that he has now become able to do, feel, and believe that which he could not do before on his unaided strength and resources alone.
12&12 p.114, Step Twelve
And as we grow spiritually, we find that our old attitudes toward our instincts need to undergo drastic revisions.
12&12 p.115, Step Twelve
After we come into A.A., if we go on growing, our attitudes and actions toward security — emotional security and financial security—commence to change profoundly.
12&12 p.131, Tradition One
By faith and by works we have been able to build upon the lessons of an incredible experience.
12&12 p.160, Tradition Seven

This principle is telling evidence of the profound change that A.A. has wrought in all of us.

_____________________________________________________________________________
ETC, a recovered alcoholic in Oregon—relieved of the obsessions but not cured of the allergy.